tell me how i stop comparing myself to others?
tell me, how do i stop thinking that what i went through wasn't enough?
how do i get over this gnawing feeling that i should lie, at least by omission?
no one would take me seriously. no one has taken me seriously. i don't take me seriously.
i figured out recently that i do see myself as worthless, or at least as less important than others.
i used to think, before i figured things out, i used to think,
"i don't know why i identify with komaeda so much when we have nothing in common."
i guess we had more in common than i thought,
(the fact that i am them notwithstanding),
but i still always think, "i'm the least-komaeda komaeda. i'm the least real one."
i always think that. that i'm not real, or that i'm the least, but not so much the least that it would make me stand out.
it's not that i want pity. i don't think i want that. i don't know that i've ever been pitied,
(who would think to pity a person that barely exists?),
but i don't think i would like it.
i have friends, very good friends, people who care about me, who would listen and show me sympathy.
they would listen and say, "i'm sorry you had to go through that."
but would they mean it? wouldn't they think, in the back of their heads,
"that's what all this is about? that's all? such a big reaction, and it's all for something like this?"
i tell others that their trauma isn't a competition, and i believe it when i say it to them,
but somehow this rule doesn't apply to me. it doesn't make sense. i know i'm not above the rules,
and i know that to believe i'm beneath them is just as selfish of a mindset,
but i still find myself putting myself in last place.
i think, "at least i was never hit. at least it wasn't all the time. at least it wasn't as bad as they had it."
"at least i was never suicidal. at least i was never institutionalized. at least nobody knew."