because if it was really so bad, if i was really hurting, if i was really traumatized,
how come nobody knew? how come nobody told me? how come nobody checked? how come nobody saw it?
how come i only just realized it? how come i was only an acceptable amount of weird?
how come i don't remember feeling all the hurt? how come i seemed normal? how come i was happy?
i assume i was happy. i guess i don't remember being happy. no more than i remember being sad, i suppose.
but i still don't understand it.