WON'T YOU MAKE IT HURT LESS?


I DO NOT KNOW WHY IT HURTS ME SO BADLY I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS SO WRONG ABOUT THIS I DO NOT KNOW WHY SEEING THIS MAKES MY HEART ACHE SO TERRIBLY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING; ONLY THAT IS A BOLD-FACED LIE AND I'M WELL-AWARE OF IT, I KNOW WHAT UPSETS ME, I KNOW WHAT MAKES MY HEART FEEL SO TERRIBLY HEAVY, I KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT IS SO VERY WRONG— I AM ONLY ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT! FOR IN MY HEART WHICH IS SO BURDENED AND HEAVY, I KNOW THE CULPRIT IS SOMETHING NOT WORTH ITS AGONY, SOMETHING WHICH NO ONE MIGHT TAKE SERIOUSLY AND THUS SHOULD NOT BE SUCH A WEIGHT ON MY FACULTIES. I SHOULD PAY NO MIND TO THIS, AS I HAVE NOT BEEN SLIGHTED, NOR HAVE I BEEN DEPRIVED BY ANY PERSON'S DOING BUT MY OWN AND POSSIBLY LUCK'S. AND YET I CRUMBLE! OH, I CRUMBLE SO THOROUGHLY BEFORE IT. I AM REDUCED TO A PILE OF WASTE AND ASH IN THE HEATH OF MY BEDROOM FLOOR, TIRED ALREADY FROM THIS UNBEARABLE WEEK'S WORK, THE DRUDGERY AND CONSTANT REQUIRED MENTAL ACUITY OF PROOF AND PROGRAM AND PROJECT, THE CULMINATION OF ALL, I SHATTER INTO A TERRIBLE AND PATHETIC FORM TO BE SWEPT UP AND RELEGATED TO A PLASTIC BIN ALL OVER SOMETHING SO MUCH SILLIER THAN THE CRACKS WHICH GAVE ITS TINY CLAWS PURCHASE. HOW STUPID I AM! HOW STUPID I AM TO BE SO UPSET OVER SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL! OVER SOMETHING WHICH NO BODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD MOURN! BUT HERE I STAND, A PILE ON THE GROUND, YOUR EPONYMOUS OBSESSIVE, BROKEN UP TO PIECES OVER SOMETHING THAT ONLY he could care about.








































































why are you still here? why? it doesn't get less pathetic. it doesn't have a twist ending where it turns out i was talking about something serious all along and just minimizing it. everything i said, i meant. i meant it.












































so why are you still here?






































































































































...i'm upset because it feels like i haven't been able to roleplay my favorite character (why bother obscuring who i mean?) komaeda recently. i want to be in an rp group where i can write them meaningfully again. i want to have long plotlines, detailed relationships, drama, character arcs... i want to have ongoing threads with lots of people while the universe chugs on in realtime in the active in-character chat, i want to do events where everyone is excited to be there and write with each other, i want what i already have but i want it for another. i am, so so deep down in my heart, your faithful obsessive. i want a place to share my ideas about them. i want a group of people who will not just listen, but who will do the same for their own characters in response. i know i already write komaeda in a group that isn't active. i know i already write in a group full of active, excited people and plots. i just wish i could have both. i wish i could be the obsessive. if a madman raves to himself and only himself, keeps all his ideas inside his head for lack of anywhere to put them, does he make a sound?

it's pathetic. but i feel less like myself. it feels like giving up. it feels awful, just awful. it feels like giving up a part of me. i wish i could be the obsessive.