i think it's better to think about the good things instead of the bad things when things get tough. this is a stream of consciousness so if i sound distracted or scattered that's why, my thoughts have always been distracted and scattered, it takes me a million years to get to the point and whenever i talk to myself i always repeat myself the same points over and over again i keep starting back from the beginning because i realize i got sidetracked (like i did just now with this) and i try to make it concise in vain even though i have no audience. i do this all the time when i'm alone and idle, just pacing around my room and babbling and being aware somewhere in the back of my mind that if i were to speak the way to others the same way i speak to myself, if i were to drop the mask, no one would have any idea what i was saying and yeah it's true that it takes me a long time to talk to otehrs too im aware of my long pauses and tangents and god my long puases while i try to figure out how to sort out my thoughts in my head when i'm talking to others i know it happens and it always feels so awkward because i'm not aware until a little after like a couple seconds after so i wonder how people are so patient with me? i must be hard to talk to

well anyway as i was saying, it's better to focus on the good. if all goes well, i'll be seeing a psychiatrist soon and i'm seeing a physical therapist soon too and soon i'm gonna work out the things that're wrong with me so i can actually focus on getting better and not being so volatile even though i don't show it outwardly and no one knows how weird my feelings can get not even me because i've distanced myself so hard from them and i don't talk about them (i'm trying to more often but it's hard when the thing you're so worked up about is the very concept of being open with others, it's not that i don't trust them (though i guess i don't sometimes? maybe?) it's just that i hate my own feelings and i don't think they're worthwhile and i don't want to bother anybody or make them think differently of me or make them uncomfortable i don't want to overshare and i don't want to be attention-seeking) so no one really knows how volatile i am and no one thinks to ask because i'm always masking it

but soon i hope more therapy will help i'm seeing a psychiatrist but i think i'm gonna try talking to my therapist again i'm nervous about that too just because it's been so long and if the psychiatrist wants me to do talk therapy with her then i might but i dunno i'm still thinking it over, my point is that i'm seeing a professional or professionals soon and i think even though my mental health has been deteriorating a little bit (or a lot bit, i don't know it's hard to tell) over the past year or so i don't think it's because of the epidemic though that didn't help i think it's something that would have happened at some point and it's hitting me now because i can finally afford to actually think about it, i think it's my subconscious telling me that i'm ready to face these things and will be able to recover and heal from them now and maybe that's something i wasn't ready to do before now maybe that's a good thing so i'm gonna look on the brighter side of it and think even if my mental state is in a bad place it's just because my brain is teliing me that i need to get help and i need to give it the things it needs so it can be in a better place again it worked last time so i think it'll work this time too

wish me luck

genuinely i think that this website is helping me. it feels like a place where i can get my thoughts down where maybe people will see them and maybe they won't. it's like a digital diary but it's all pieced together nonlinearly, it doesn't feel like flipping through the pages of a chronological diary because that's not what my life feels like either and that feels like a big relief. there's no pressure to make things good or pretty, i just get to say whatever i need to say or make something cute or do something fun and low-stress with css. i've gotten a lot better at css since starting this thing some 2-3 years ago and it's nice to come back here where nothing looks pretty everything looks bad and just sit with it for a while, i like that it looks bad because sometimes things just look bad. i think the inside of my head looks bad and this place is just the inside of my head but on the internet, so instead of trying to make it look all nice and tidy and clean and aesthetic i can just find joy and love and beauty in the orderless chaos and weird bright bad color choices and senseless connections to connections and broken links and page loops you cant escape (though i try to fix those for ease of use, but theyre always accidental, and sometimes i want to leave them in because thats how i feel too sometimes, like my mind is all stuck in a loop i cant get out of just getting sucked in toward the bottom like a drowning machine)

i was raised on the internet but im 21 almost 22 so instead of being raised by twitter and tiktok i was raised by encyclopedia dramatica (which i regret, obviously, even though i was never an active member on account of being like 9) and very early tumblr, i remember an old website i cant find anymore but it was a point and click adventure geocities type site where you explored a cavern and it's where i learned the word "spelunker" i really wish i could find it again. old deviantart dress up games were my childhood too but i was also super into haunted dolls and ghosts and the supernatural, and then i got into horror anime so i was watching elfen lied while doing these deviantart dress up flash games but the whole time i was thinking of super fucked up backstories for these characters i'd be making in the dress up games. i wondered if the girls in my gymnastics class had good or bad home lives. the son of a family friend and i had a roleplay going and it was my first introduction to roleplay and we didn't call it that at the time, he was a couple years older than me but we were both kinda fucked up kids who liked fucked up anime and bioshock and we were totally inseparable when we both lived in texas, this was before all my gymnastics stuff that was after i moved back to washington, but the rp started off as larping we called it the "ninja game" because it started off as a naruto thing but it quickly became almost entirely ocs (and then later characters id hyperfixate on), and when i moved away we continued it via facebook messages. but not facebook messenger, the chat function didnt exist yet, it was the super old facebook messages that had their own dedicated page. anyway, i went back and looked at some of that stuff, and some of the shit i said as a stupid 11ish year old makes me wanna gouge my eyes out but my memories of it in general are all very fond. i'm happy i got to explore the darker and more taboo shit i was drawn to with someone who was like me and wouldn't hurt me. konan, CK, amy, zack, kuro, and there were other ocs we had but i don't remember their names... (edit: IZZY AND MAYA I THINK WERE OTHER ONES!!!) i'm glad we got to exist and play together even if it was some elfen lied-tier shit we were writing. they existed and they were real to us and we both needed that outlet.

that friend and i haven't spoken in years, now. we just sort of naturally grew apart. but i don't regret any of it, even the stuff that's humiliating to think back on, because we were both in that same place back then and we both needed someone like each other. michael, if you somehow by some stroke of completely batshit luck are reading this, thank you for everything.

my head feels a little clearer, after writing all that out. :)
so thank you too, obsessive.