i've always felt like i'm not quite real.

sometimes this manifests as a pain. the moments where my lack of reality convinces me that my experiences, my feelings, my needs are all fake.

sometimes this manifests as a dissonance. i often forget that other people can think about me when i'm not around. i can't wrap my mind around the idea that i could be a presence without being present.

sometimes this manifests as an inhumanity. i am not real, not alive, not a person-- but there are many things which are not real, not alive, not people, which still breathe or think or feel. i am a house. i am a doll. i am an artificial intelligence. i am a ghost.

sometimes this manifests as a confusion. i have trouble understanding, when speaking to others, what is real and what is play. what is pretend. what is fantasy.

sometimes this manifests as a haze. if you ask me at any given moment if i truly believe i'm dreaming, i'll say no. but looking back on memories, things feel fuzzy and dreamlike, and i guess one could say i have my head in the clouds.

sometimes this manifests as a dynamic. i am an npc looking for my protagonist whose life i can help fill with hope.

sometimes this manifests as an obsession. i can't see myself as a real person, i can't relate to real people, so instead i make friends with characters. when i listen to music, i think about how they would relate to it, not myself.