i feel like i'm hanging on by a thread
i know i have friends who would support me,
i know i have people who care about me who would insist that i'm not a burden to them,
who would say to me, "of course you can talk to me, of course i would comfort you if you were upset, of course i would listen to you,"
and i think what hurts most is that i believe them,
but i still don't do it.

i don't want to look like i'm desperate for attention.
i know my friends all have their own struggles to deal with. i don't want to impose my problems onto them too.
i don't even know what it is that i'm upset about a lot of the time,
or if i do, it's something that people wouldn't want to hear about.

i think the thing that's upsetting me most now
is the growing pains of no longer living in denial.
but i don't know how to ask for help. i don't know when to do it. i don't know how.
i've never done it before. if i have, i don't remember.
i want to ask for help, but i can't.
i don't know what i want. i don't know what i'd be asking for.
i only know that i'm scared and i'm tired of being alone,
but i'm scared of myself and i'm the one keeping myself here,
and i'm too tired from being alone to fight.
i can't even defend myself.

even now, right now as we speak, i'm lying to my friends.

at least i'm not suicidal.
at least i see the pain as something temporary,
something to be gotten through so i can try again tomorrow,
and try again tomorrow,
and try again tomorrow,
and try again tomorrow;
and at least when i hurt myself, i never leave a lasting mark.
it's better to forget.

how do you ask for help?
how do you ask for help on asking for help?

i thought that telling my psychiatrist would make me feel better,
but i think that all i learned was that what i needed all along was a friend.

i thought that making this page would make me feel better,
but all it did was distract me for long enough that my automatic response could kick in and make me numb.

i have friends.

i find it unlikely that i'll say anything.

my life was easier when i was still in denial.