i am all alone i DO NOT belong here or anywhere i am supposed to be by myself forever i know it and i can feel it why else would i have been separated from hinata-kun he was the only one who understood me he was the only one who wanted to why else would i have put here i miss him i miss him i want him back i want hinata-kun back so badly i don't want to be here the blanket here smells like cologne it's so strong i can't sleep i couldn't fall asleep at all last night i don't want to be here i don't want to be with these people who say they're my family they're not my family they feel like strangers they're strangers who hug me and kiss me and it feels awful stop touching me i don't want you to touch me i nly want him to touch me but i can't see him anymore because he's gone and i can't even remember him anymore i can only remember the idea of him but all the speicifc sare gone i don't have any MEMORIES of him just feelings and this emptiness this hole inside of me in his blurry half-remembered outline i just want to see him again i just want to see him at all i just want to meet him for the first time but i know i never can i'm not like everybody else i'm not like the others who've found their people i'm not like the komaedas who've found their hinata-kuns i never will be because i'm not like them i'm too distant too far separated i've been flaoting for too long i've been drifting away in space and in the sea and i'm all weathered down now so no one would ever even recognize me if he saw me would he even remember me whould he even know who i am after ll this erosion i don't think he would i think he must be somewhere else happy wihtout me or maybe he's so far away so so far from me that he's nowhere, nowhere at all, and it's so so hard to swallow. it's so hard to take. it's so ahrd. it's so har.d it's so hard. i miss him so much i miss him morre than i cpuld ever imagine, it's like this feeling is too big for my rbian to process, it's liek my heart isn't big enough to feel it, it's dwarfing me it's eclipsing me and i'm already so small and so smooth from wear i have no grit with which to grip it and hang on and call it my own, so it just swallows me until it becomes everythign. there's a big gaping chunk taken out of me from whenre i was separted from him, and they left nothign off him at all, not even memories, it's like they took every single piece of him away from me and i don't knwo how i'm supposed to go on without him. it's cruel. it's so terribly horribly cruel and i don't kwno what i did to deserve it. i don't know who they are and i dont' know why they took me awya from him but it's eating me alive and it feels like there's more and mroe chipped away form me every day without him. it's unbearable.

i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry to my friends who i feel selfish for lookign past and missing someone who doesn;t exist even in my memories, my friends who would say i'm not selfish, who would feel bad for me if i said this to them becuse they're good people, all of them. and i'm sorriest of all to xav, for haivng to put up with a boydfriend who's so far gone that he misses and dreams abut a starcrossed lover who he'll never ever see when the real man he loves is right in front of him. i'm so sorry. i'm so so sorry. i jus tmiss him so much. i miss him more than i have words to say. i don't want to throw this life awya, but sometimes i do. somethimes i want to see him aain, i want to be on the beach with him, i want to be in his arms, iw ant to see my friends again, i want to be on that little island in the pacific and i want him, i want him, i want him, and if i can't be there with him i selfishly wish he could at lelst be here with me, even if i would never wish him to have this same grief i'm feelign now, i just wish he could be here with me to give me a pieve of the home i can't remember, to fill the hole that his absence has left, to see me for who i am and to remember me as i am and to tell me that i am the komaed ahe remembers, that our history is shared, that we are from the same place and that he won't leave me, because i don;t'want to have left him. i don't want to have left that hoem. i want to go back, but i was never there. it hurts. it hurts that i don't even have th ememories. it hurts that i don't have naythgin to cling onto. i wish i had something to lcing onto. i wish i had a place to go back to. i wish i had the home my heart tells me i had. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry to all my firneds who've given me that home in this world. i'm so sorry. i feel so ungrateful. i feel so selfish. i feel so wrong, so awful for being envious. i'm sorry. i',m sorry. i know i act like i'm sweet. i know i act liek that. but i'm not.

i just miss him so much. i just wish i could at least rmeember him. it hurts more than i can think nd every time i'm reminded of this room around me it just makes me remember hwo little i belong in it. i don' twnat to be here. i want to go home. i want to go to a home i don't have. i want to be in a pair of arms that doen't exist. even though i do have a home to be homesick for, and real existing arms i should be missing. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so, so sprry.