you asked me a question the other day and i didn't have an answer right away. i know it made you scared that i didn't have an answer at all... but it's actually the other way around. i had too many answers. i didn't even know where to start. but i've put them together now.
it's because when i fainted, everybody left except you. you stayed by my side, you were gentle when i was scared and confused, you were friendly when i was shy, you were playful when i was too tense for my own good. you helped me.
it's because you were always helping me, even when i didn't realize it. everything you did, roundabout as it often was, was in service of helping us. helping me. you stuck your neck out for me, praised me, guided me, let me feel like i had put everything together because you valued the process of my learning the truth more than the truth itself.
it's because you always knew the truth. you said it yourself, didn't you? that my scent was similar to yours in a way you couldn't place, even before you learned the whole truth about me. you knew we were on equal ground like a seventh sense.
it's because you've always treated me like we were on equal ground, even when it meant treating me in a way i didn't like for reasons i didn't understand at the time. even when you parroted back to me all of the things i knew and hated about myself. you knew, deep down, that we're the same.
it's because we're the same. nobody else understands the delusion of talent, the delusion of hope, the way they wear you down and twist you. but you understand. we're mirror images, two sides of the same coin, two sides indistinguishable from each other when you look at them from a distance, and you're the only person willing to admit it.
it's because you love all sides of me. even the sides i don't show to anyone else; my barriers come down around you so naturally, maybe because i know you'll understand when i tell you how i feel. even the unsavory sides; my whole life has been spent surrounded by people who don't want to acknowledge the ugly parts of me. but not you. you don't simply tolerate me when i'm apathetic, alienated, ambitious and ambitionless. you first fell in love with me at my lowest, then you fell in love with me again.
it's because even at your lowest, you still try. you make big decisions, you follow what you believe is right unyieldingly, no matter what. you're prepared to make any sacrifice in the name of good... that selfless bravery comes to you as naturally as breathing. when it was my turn to do the same, to sacrifice everyone for the good of the world, i was paralyzed. i had to be pushed. not you.
it's because you push me. you get under my skin, but you also tease me like a friend. you also lay out the facts and make me figure out what they mean-- or rather, you let me. you let me do it for myself. not for you. not for everyone. you let me do it for me.
it's because you let me. and sometimes you try not to, you open up and then tell me you were lying so i won't start to empathize with you, you shamelessly confuse me and i can't tell if it's on purpose, you get bitter and biting when i've come too close to changing your mind, but god, sometimes you really try to let me. you try to make sure i'm entertained, you try to keep me safe, you try to tell me how you feel even if you can't bring yourself to follow through. you try. you're trying. you've always tried.